snakes, lawnmowers and skin....

i absolutely hate snakes.

they make me involuntarily shiver with revulsion. i immediately clench my jaws and back away whenever i see a snake...my dad, a huge animal 'guy' loves snakes. he loves animals of all kinds. When we were kids, he'd accidentally run over snakes or frogs with the lawnmower, and we'd all have to come inspect the poor demised creature before burying it.

sad.
sick.
gross.


snakes and i seem to have something in common these days.

you know how they shed their skins? they leave behind that translucent film of their skin...if you hold it in the dark, it can almost look like a real snake....minus a few eyes.

these past few weeks, in a lotta' ways, i feel like i'm shedding skin.

let me explain:

My daily schedule generally is...i read all morning..then write a little music...eat lunch...go for a long hike....read and write some more...make and eat dinner...read a little more...and go to bed.


i'm alone all day.

i don't talk to any people.

i don't email...i don't phone call...i don't watch tv.

i don't even listen to music.

*gasp!*


i'm finding that i depend on electronic and interpersonal communication for a feeling of well-being.


after several days of this solitude, i made a few much-needed communications and watched my fav program, '24.' as i went to bed, i discovered i felt more 'at home'. may not make sense to you, but it was tragic to me. i realized how much i depend on people and communication in order to feel like 'me.'

this is not ok.

so....as the days pass (hopefully) i see the scales of this need fall from me...it's as if there's something being scraped off of me...

i still have so much more to be scraped...and i find that the longest stretch is to come in these next few weeks...

so...pray that my heart is so content with the sound of my Savior alone...


sometimes the silence is so deafening...

sometimes it reveals His voice so clearly...

sometimes it's rather muddy...

if i heard His voice constantly, i think i'd be ok...


So. pray that i learn to constantly, consistantly, hear His voice alone....

i so long for the day when His voice is the only one guiding me....


one quick thought:

His voice is the voice i was created to hear:

i hear His voice less than any other.

how far i've strayed.


i miss you all...the stories of your lives...hearing how things are....

i miss His voice more...

my soul aches for it.