jumper

fear.

What an ugly little word.
debilitating,
i have a fear.

failure.

it's this deep thing in the pit of my stomache...rises up whenever i look at life through different colored lenses. makes tears rise to my eyes. grips me. paralyzing. and all my insecurities rise to the surface like flotsam and jetsam.

what if i failed? what if i fell flat on my face? who would hate me? who would still love me?

of course my friends wouldn't hate me. but they would feel sorry for me. and my pride would hate that. and i'd think that everyone was looking at me thinking, "too bad you failed..what are you going to do now?"

Seriously, is there anyone that has the ability to utterly disregard success and failure in the lives of others? doesn't a certain degree of success and failure directly effect the amount of friends one has? we see if someone is 'moving ahead' in life...we look at if they are working hard...at how they're putting their gifts and talents to use.

i find myself envying those folks who get up and simply DO it. they don't seem to mind that their failure is not only probable, but imminent. makes me think they don't care if they have friends or not...def not people pleasers...

if one of these risktakers fail, there's always a line of folks to line up and say 'i told ya so'...if a risktaker succeeds, those same folks just as easily line up to bask in the glory of success.


makes me wonder what success really is...

If glory really only belongs to the Lord...if all glory is God's, then sucess should be determined by what He is calling one to do. wow.

that means that in order for this journey of mine to be a 'success'...i need simply to walk in step with the Spirit each day...practicing the Presence of Him...


it'd be easier to make a worldly success of myself.


how do i get to this place...it's not some cheesy self-help book that brings me here. it's not a 'pick-yourself-up-day-after-day-and-do-these-10-steps' deal. i read a few verses in Psalm 37 that may just be David's wisdom on all this...

Keep company with God,
get in on the best.

Open up before God, keep nothing back;
He'll do whatever needs to be done:
He'll validate your life in the clear light of day
and stamp you with approval at high noon.

Quiet down before God,
be prayerful before Him.
(4b-7a)

OH! my heart glories in this! His validation! His approval! His rest!

So. to faith. it's doing it. confronting the monster of busyness. beating him down with my bare fists actually. realizing the monster is me and is not me at the same time. embracing raw vulnerability & honesty. there will definitely be blood involved...if there hasn't been already.

stepping out in faith. maybe it's better described as a plunge into grace...where i am steeped in the water of His Spirit and come up soaking wet.

So here i go, stepping out on faith...plugging my nose...looking off the high dive...and jumping.

just know, you better step back. there will be a splash. i'm probably not gonna execute a beautiful swan dive. if you're anywhere near you'll get wet... if you get wet, you're gonna' wanna' dive in too...if i think about it,

a cannonball is more my style.

**this pic is sarah grace at one of the college retreats at twood...