snakes, lawnmowers and skin....

i absolutely hate snakes.

they make me involuntarily shiver with revulsion. i immediately clench my jaws and back away whenever i see a snake...my dad, a huge animal 'guy' loves snakes. he loves animals of all kinds. When we were kids, he'd accidentally run over snakes or frogs with the lawnmower, and we'd all have to come inspect the poor demised creature before burying it.

sad.
sick.
gross.


snakes and i seem to have something in common these days.

you know how they shed their skins? they leave behind that translucent film of their skin...if you hold it in the dark, it can almost look like a real snake....minus a few eyes.

these past few weeks, in a lotta' ways, i feel like i'm shedding skin.

let me explain:

My daily schedule generally is...i read all morning..then write a little music...eat lunch...go for a long hike....read and write some more...make and eat dinner...read a little more...and go to bed.


i'm alone all day.

i don't talk to any people.

i don't email...i don't phone call...i don't watch tv.

i don't even listen to music.

*gasp!*


i'm finding that i depend on electronic and interpersonal communication for a feeling of well-being.


after several days of this solitude, i made a few much-needed communications and watched my fav program, '24.' as i went to bed, i discovered i felt more 'at home'. may not make sense to you, but it was tragic to me. i realized how much i depend on people and communication in order to feel like 'me.'

this is not ok.

so....as the days pass (hopefully) i see the scales of this need fall from me...it's as if there's something being scraped off of me...

i still have so much more to be scraped...and i find that the longest stretch is to come in these next few weeks...

so...pray that my heart is so content with the sound of my Savior alone...


sometimes the silence is so deafening...

sometimes it reveals His voice so clearly...

sometimes it's rather muddy...

if i heard His voice constantly, i think i'd be ok...


So. pray that i learn to constantly, consistantly, hear His voice alone....

i so long for the day when His voice is the only one guiding me....


one quick thought:

His voice is the voice i was created to hear:

i hear His voice less than any other.

how far i've strayed.


i miss you all...the stories of your lives...hearing how things are....

i miss His voice more...

my soul aches for it.

not in kansas anymore..praise GOD!

first off: the drive from Oklahoma City to Denver, via Kansas, is brutal.

400 miles of NOTHING.

nope. not exaggerating. nothing. when i saw signs for refreshment stops "Only 327 miles ahead!" i knew i was in trouble!





Let's catch up a bit with logistics...





2 weeks ago i was in Houston...a week ago in San Antonio. inbetween san antonio and denver: fort worth, Oklahoma City, Denver, Estes, Boulder and now back to Denver.





tomorrow Estes. for the solid block.





I was able to run up (an hours drive from Denver) to Estes Park yesterday to check out the new digs and meet my fantastic hosts: Larry and Karen...they're leaving for 3 months on Wednesday.





He was a Rocky Mountain National Park Ranger for 35 years...we went to lunch at a little local place where everyone knew their name and stopped at our table to chat. Larry kept me entertained and Karen grimacing during lunch as he told crazy rescue stories on the top of Long's Peak. Long's Peak, a '14er' as they call it, is a gruesome hike where you have to grab out the ice pic and freeclimb at the top. Larry, 71 years old, still climbs Long's every summer. i was warned to not be scared if i found someone in their garage borrowing equipment at all hours....





another dose of 'you're not in kansas anymore dorothy' was when i went for a quick walk and came within 4 feet of a massive elk. wow. Larry and Karen left me a bit of Elk in the freezer to try...i told them i'd know i was TRULLY in the rockies when i sat on the back porch watching elk, deer and rabbits while drinking coffee and prepping to summitt Alice Mountain...





alright...i'll post again shortly to give an update on a few inner matters...but for now. i thought you'd enjoy a few pics... :)

until!

**PICS:
1. the view surrounding my new running trail...
2. Larry and Karen...phenomenal folks.
3. a quick shot from a Boulder trail.
4. a view of Estes as i was leaving town...

5. a horrid self-portrait in front of the Big Thompson

fabric softener.

problem.

for sarah grace's bday, all she wanted was to cook our fav dish together: grilled veggie salad with chicken and goat cheese. impressively sophisticated taste for a 12 year old. being the adoring sis that i am, i broke out the grill and she started cracking eggs...there were the brownies for her class, veggies and chicken to sautee, cornbread to bake, dishwasher turned on and even laundry in the dryer...it's been a regular martha stewart evening at the box house...sans the whole illegal thing. the smells of all that is domestic and wonderful should be permeating the air with goodness.

problem?

a little bit of the cornbread batter spilled over the edge of the pan into the bottom of the oven. about 2 tablespoons of batter...from about 6 cups of batter.

i can't smell any of those scrumptions and homey smells.

all i can smell is burnt cornbread.

now my olfactory senses aren't so sensitive that they really pick up on every nuance in the house, but this odor is so pungent that it's making dad cough and all eyes are watering. we're not really thinking of the homemade peanut-butter brownies (none of the peter pan stuff either). the amazing smell of fresh laundry is totally under wraps. we just smell those 2 tablespoons of corn mixture bubbling black on the bottom of the oven.

not a big thing. but...

i've been uber busy this past year with a bunch of really cool things the Lord has allowed me to take part in...working at tallowood, a few times leading at other churches, discipleship with students, finishing seminary, being under jerome's leadership, and sharing life with the countless people i am incredibly blessed to call my friends.

but amidst all this wonderfullness, it's as if a bit of batter spilled out...and i'm a bit burnt. i'm a bit burnt out.

now, what's the cause of this burntness...is it my time with the Lord? i don't think so...is it any person in particular? for sure NO! is it...the list could go on and on, but the point is, a little bit of batter has spilled out...and all i can smell is the burnt stuff.

we solve this dilemma at the box house by opening windows, going out to dinner and putting in a new load of laundry with extra fabric softener.

i believe He is solving this dilemma in my life by calling me away for a time. funny how He hits 2 birds with 1 stone eh? teaching me faith...calling me out...walking with no title...no job...no 'ministry'...all the while, He's breathing fresh air in me. He's adding a little extra softener to my character as He cleans, purifies, me. in the end, prayerfully i'll come out looking more like Him...maybe i'll have the whole wild-eyed Moses look...maybe i'll just be me...with less of me and more of Him. i'm praying for humility and gentleness.

but. what e'er the outcome...i pray this gutted, burnt life turns into an aroma in His Presence.

i've so far to go friends....thanks for journeying with me...i'm lifting you to Him tonight...many by name and all by the Spirit...

until,


annetta

p.s. this pic is the bday girl herself...precious lil one...couldn't be more proud!

jumper

fear.

What an ugly little word.
debilitating,
i have a fear.

failure.

it's this deep thing in the pit of my stomache...rises up whenever i look at life through different colored lenses. makes tears rise to my eyes. grips me. paralyzing. and all my insecurities rise to the surface like flotsam and jetsam.

what if i failed? what if i fell flat on my face? who would hate me? who would still love me?

of course my friends wouldn't hate me. but they would feel sorry for me. and my pride would hate that. and i'd think that everyone was looking at me thinking, "too bad you failed..what are you going to do now?"

Seriously, is there anyone that has the ability to utterly disregard success and failure in the lives of others? doesn't a certain degree of success and failure directly effect the amount of friends one has? we see if someone is 'moving ahead' in life...we look at if they are working hard...at how they're putting their gifts and talents to use.

i find myself envying those folks who get up and simply DO it. they don't seem to mind that their failure is not only probable, but imminent. makes me think they don't care if they have friends or not...def not people pleasers...

if one of these risktakers fail, there's always a line of folks to line up and say 'i told ya so'...if a risktaker succeeds, those same folks just as easily line up to bask in the glory of success.


makes me wonder what success really is...

If glory really only belongs to the Lord...if all glory is God's, then sucess should be determined by what He is calling one to do. wow.

that means that in order for this journey of mine to be a 'success'...i need simply to walk in step with the Spirit each day...practicing the Presence of Him...


it'd be easier to make a worldly success of myself.


how do i get to this place...it's not some cheesy self-help book that brings me here. it's not a 'pick-yourself-up-day-after-day-and-do-these-10-steps' deal. i read a few verses in Psalm 37 that may just be David's wisdom on all this...

Keep company with God,
get in on the best.

Open up before God, keep nothing back;
He'll do whatever needs to be done:
He'll validate your life in the clear light of day
and stamp you with approval at high noon.

Quiet down before God,
be prayerful before Him.
(4b-7a)

OH! my heart glories in this! His validation! His approval! His rest!

So. to faith. it's doing it. confronting the monster of busyness. beating him down with my bare fists actually. realizing the monster is me and is not me at the same time. embracing raw vulnerability & honesty. there will definitely be blood involved...if there hasn't been already.

stepping out in faith. maybe it's better described as a plunge into grace...where i am steeped in the water of His Spirit and come up soaking wet.

So here i go, stepping out on faith...plugging my nose...looking off the high dive...and jumping.

just know, you better step back. there will be a splash. i'm probably not gonna execute a beautiful swan dive. if you're anywhere near you'll get wet... if you get wet, you're gonna' wanna' dive in too...if i think about it,

a cannonball is more my style.

**this pic is sarah grace at one of the college retreats at twood...

the previews have always been my favorite part...

i was gonna wait to start this whole 'blogging' business. i was gonna wait until i was in a picture perfect setting...in a cabin in estes park, CO. i was gonna wait until the large, mystical voice of God started booming through this puny, pink puffy brain, explaining in a flash the grand mysteries of life. i was gonna wait until my current character and my soon-to-be character were hyperbolic versions of each other. i was gonna wait until i started to see real live miracles, near death experiences on mountain tops...i was gonna wait until it seemed the journey had really begun.


why blog if the trip hasn't started?

but....has the journey begun?

i mean, i've been thinking and sleeping and eating and breathing this 'faith adventure' for weeks. at the very least, the starting gate should have a gun going off and voices screaming encouragement as a sign that i'm on the way!

but maybe...maybe the journey HAS begun.

while my sitting in my parents house in san antonio may not be a picture perfect setting, and there is no ominous James Earl Jones voice haunting my thoughts, i do have a peace that surpasses human understanding and the sweet whisper of the Spirit more than compensates. His Word may still remain a mystery in more ways than a million, but He has given me my 'bread' for today.

a dear friend* emailed me these words:

Be assured our God will both show you Himself in this time – and then at the right time, will point you to what comes next. It’s always a “to be continued thing” with Him, is it not? And the continuation rests entirely on this rest in Him that really is foreign to our linear minds. Which makes it all the more sweet once we get that and let Him move us – no, sweep us – into the current of what turns out to be an amazing sort of grace...


i can't say it better than my eloquent beautiful friend. my heart rests today in being 'swept up' in this amazing sort of grace...

so while my mind still thinks there should be neon signs, flashing lights and little men in black suits with flashlights pointing the way to my seat to watch this whole thing unfold**...i'm content to walk in the commonality of today...sucking the marrow out of the moments He is allowing...thanking Him for His gentle provision and resting. yes my friends, i am resting. in Him...

praying for His foreign rest to become my norm...

love you.

annetta


*EH
**do i not even get previews? they're my favorite part!

p.s. Mary took this pic of the texas sky...

the story...at least the beginning...

Some of you may have no idea what this 'journey' i'm on is all about.

it's pretty simple. God told me to leave my job, my family and my friends, my home: destination, unknown.

if i think about it, honestly, i could end up right back where i started...physically that is.

Spiritually, i pray i'll be in a whole 'nother ballgame. i mean, let's think about this...trusting daily for the Lord to meet needs and still my heart...trusting Him to be my future and my hope...no 'plans' of my own that i know...kinda' like M6 all over again!***

what's this all stem from, you may ask...it started with an inclination in my spirit to pray for faith in the grand canyon...He continued the journey by giving me Isaiah 51:1&2,

"Listen to me, you who pursue righteousness and who seek the LORD:
Look to the rock from which you were cut and to the quarry from which
you were hewn; look to Abraham, your father, and to Sarah, who gave
you birth. When I called him he was but one, and I blessed him and
made him many."

And then He again confirmed the step by a peace in my spirit...a conviction of my heart...even a vision (i know, 'gasp!", i've gone pentecostal folks!). All to say, i am more convinced now, than ever before, that this is His will for my life at this time.

OK. enough for now...i just wanted to get the 'why' down. now we can concentrate on the 'what'...so.


until next time folks...same bat time, same bat channel....



annetta


p.s. this pic is from upstate ny in october '06...it just looked like what i think the other end of this journey is gonna look like...kinda' like the 'light at the end of the tunnel' without the whole tunnel vision effect...

***if you're interested in M6 and didn't get to read our blogspots for that time, you can check out the 'box team' blogspot...it's where part of this started: xchangem6box.blogspot.com