Magnifico!

Muck.
Ugliness.
Envy.
Anger… Fear.

I get so bogged down in my sin. the muck overwhelms me. And then all I can see is my dirt. I've been this way for a while: Incredibly adept at identifying the ugly parts of me. Most often, I then revel in that self-identity. It’s so sad really. I mean, honestly, He created me a beautiful, wonderful human being; A glorious creation unlike any other. And I live life like a muddied princess.

But if I think about, I’m not alone in my affinity for living life out of this warped sense of identity. Not to point fingers or anything, but the disciples might have been better at this than me.Reading through the Gospels, Jesus seemed exasperated with the disciples more often than not. But seriously, who wouldn't be? As a rabbi, Jesus had called them to follow and learn from Him. That was part of a rabbi’s job description. If you look back through rabbinical codes it's clear that a rabbi doesn't try to invite a mentally slow, capacity-lacking individual to follow him. Rather, a rabbi would weigh and judge the abilities of the individual first. When he saw the person was worthy of following him, he would invite the individual to follow him. When Jesus was frustrated with the disciples, it was not because he was thinking, "Wow. How'd I get stuck with these bozo's?" Rather, he was probably frustrated with their lack of manifested potential. He knew He had created them with every ability to accomplish the tasks at hand. He knew they could follow Him...they just kept getting bogged down in 'stuff'.

I can just hear Peter thinking, “Oh gosh. I screwed up last time. I can't screw up this time. I’d better not say the wrong things." Then in his overanalyzing, hyper-sensitivity, ultra-stressed state, he missed the point of just breathing in Jesus teachings. Then, he’d mess up. Again. I think we call that self-fulfilling prophecy.

In Velvet Elvis, Rob Bell enlightens me of Jesus' relationship with the disciples. Jesus didn't leave the disciples with the Great Commission because He felt they couldn't do it. Rather, He left the disciples with the Great Commission because He knew they could do it. He had created them with the capacity for great things. He knew they could handle working out the great commission. Well, He knew they could work if out if they used His little parting gift: The Holy Spirit. Jesus only seemed frustrated with them when they weren't living up to that potential. Jesus had the upper hand in that He knew the full-extent of their abilities. I mean, He was there when they were created.

He knew they were capable of much, much more. Marianne Williamson says: “Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate, but that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, handsome, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God within us. It is not just in some; it is in everyone. And, as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

Ok, don't get me wrong, I hate self-help mumbo-jumbo as much as anyone. But at the same time, I don't think recognizing our God given purpose and created ability is self-help talk. I believe that when I fail to give Him credit for all the power and beauty He created me to live out of, well, I’m actually discrediting His creation. In essence, I’m failing to give Him the glory due Him. And failing to recognize the creature He’s intended for me is failing to allow the glorious, created version of me to exist.

Even understanding that here helps me to slowly become moreso that woman He’s created me to be. I remember reading C.S. Lewis's depiction of Adam and Eve in his sci-fi book Pereleandra. Lewis's version of Adam wasn't a wimpy, burdened-down-with-his-depravity sort of creature. Rather, Adam was beautiful in his terrible awesomeness. The gloriousness of his created being was manifested for all to drink in. And the character that represented Eve was even more glorious. The embodiment of all that is gracious and lovely and beautiful, her pure heart trusted the Lord yet maintained a strength evident in the very way she walked. Eve was the epitome of grace and beauty. She was mighty, yet with a gentle and quiet spirit. Her beauty was interior and exterior.

So how do I become that same 'eve' I was created to be? I definitely have areas of muck to be waded through and cleared out. But in the midst of this muck, I am increasingly freed from the curse of self-doubting as I embrace the fullness of His grace. Each day finds me believing moreso that there is a terribly, awesome, glorious Annetta that only awaits my standing up and becoming. Living out my created purpose, simply becoming the me He intends, in Him. Via Him. Meanwhile, until I stand up and become, I am falling short of this created purpose.

I most often live as if someone has sliced a little into my Achilles heel, as if I’m crippled. And my Father’s response is, "Stand up My child! I've created you for far greater than this. You are falling short only because you choose to fall short and not because I created you less than what you think you are. Live out My purpose for you today!" In these moments, hearing His Voice so clearly, my chosen response is clear. Today I choose to relentlessly pursue becoming the created Annetta. I won’t pursue being her in an ontological, 'self-actualized' kinda' way. Rather, I’ll pursue His created kid in a "I'm a daughter of the King, created with specific and magnificent abilities to love Him" kinda' way. In this way, I’ll live out my true identity.

Oh! Magnifico! That He has created me! I love the way He has done so! And when I think that He spent time on me, just as He did the brilliant, majestic, terrible, beautiful mountains, I am humbled. So as I reach for the higher heights He has created me for...let's reach together. Let’s not seek to be better than one another. Let’s purpose to be a better “me.” Let’s be who we were created to friends!

And let's change the world.

**I posted a semblance of this post a few years back..but was re-reading and editing and in the process of re-learning this...ah...how slow I ofttimes am at pickin up what He's putting down...**