powerful creation

Garden of Eden
Originally uploaded by daphneyb.

muck.
ugliness.
envy.
anger… fear.

i get so bogged down in my sin. the muck overwhelms me. and all i can see is my dirt.

i've been this way for a while, i am so good at identifying the ugly parts of me. and i live in that self-identity.

so sad. honestly.
He has created me.

thus, i am created to be a beautiful, wonderful human being.

a glorious creation unlike any other.

reading through the Gospels, Jesus often seemed a little exasperated with the disciples. i mean, who wouldn't be? as a rabbi, Jesus had called them to follow and learn from Him. if you look back through rabbinical codes, etc., it's clear that a rabbi doesn't invite an oaf of an individual to follow him.

a rabbi weighs and judges the abilities of the individual first. upon seeing the person is capable of following him, he invites the individual follow him. when Jesus was frustrated with the disciples, it was not because he was thinking,
"wow. how'd I get stuck with these bozo's?!"
rather, he was frustrated with them because He knew He had created them with every ability to accomplish the tasks at hand.

He knew they could follow Him...they just kept getting bogged down in 'stuff'.

maybe Peter kept thinking, "oh gosh. i screwed up last time...can't screw up this time...better not say the wrong things..." and in his overanalyzing, hyper-sensitivity, ultra-stressed state, he missed the point. and screwed up.

i think we call that self-fulfilling prophecy.

Rob Bell enlightens Jesus' relationship with the disciples for me in Velvet Elvis. Jesus didn't leave the disciples with the Great Commission because He felt they couldn't do it. rather, He left the disciples with the Great Commission because He knew they could do it.

granted, they also got the Holy Spirit as a little parting gift.

still, Jesus was frustrated with them because He knew they had such great abilities and potential and they simply weren't living up to that potential. and Jesus knew a thing or two about their potential. after all, He was there when they were created.

He knew what they were capable of.

and He thought they were capable of much, much more.

i've had Marianne Williamson's words in my head since i got to Estes:

Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate, but that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, handsome, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God within us. It is not just in some; it is in everyone. And, as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

ok. don't get me wrong. i self-help mumbo-jumbo as much as anyone. but i don't think recognizing our God given purpose and created ability is self-help talk. i think comprehending that God created me with much more power and beauty than i give Him credit for is actually discrediting His creation...it's failing to give glory.

it's failing to allow the glorious, created version of me to exist.

but i am slowly becoming that woman...

i remember reading C.S. Lewis's depiction of Adam and Eve in his sci-fi book Pereleandra. Lewis's Adam wasn't a wimpy, burdened-down-with-his-depravity sort of creature. rather, he was beautiful in his terrible awesomeness. the gloriousness of his created being was manifested for all to drink in. and the lady that represented Eve? how could i fail to mention her?!? she was the embodiment of all that is gracious and lovely and beautiful. she had such a pure heart of trust with the Lord. yet a strength about her that was evident in the very way she walked.

she was the epitome of grace and beauty.
of the mighty, yet gentle and quiet spirit.

beautiful inside and out.

how do i become that same 'eve' i was created to be? sure. i still have areas of muck to be waded through and cleared out. BUT, i am increasingly freed from this curse as i embrace the fullness of His grace. is there a terribly, awesome, glorious Annetta that awaits only my standing up and becoming? is it an issue of simply becoming me? is it an ontological issue, an issue of simply being who i am? meanwhile, am i falling short of my created purpose?

i oftimes live as if someone has sliced a little into my Achilles heel. i live as if i'm crippled a little...in all honesty, i think most of the time my Father is saying,

"stand up My child! I've created you for far greater than this...you are falling short only because you choose to fall short, and not because i created you a little 'less' than perceived potential. live out My purpose for you today!"

so today.

i am relentlessly pursuing the created Annetta. not in a 'self-actualized' kinda' way. but in a "i'm a daughter of the King, created with specific and magnificent abilities to love Him" kinda' way...

i'm living out my true identity...

magnifico! that He has created me! and that He spent time on me, just as He did the brilliant, majestic, terrible, beautiful mountains that surround...i am humbled as i reach for the higher heights He has created me for...let's reach together.

not to be better than one another.
but to be a better me. let's be who we were created to friends!

and let's change the world.