Sometimes you watch things die.
For instance, the plant that's been on my parent's front porch for forever. It just recently took it's last gasp of chloryphyl and bit the dust...er, dirt. And now, it's a cracked plastic pot full-o' dry, vitamin-drained dirt. Not even bugs'll frequent it. The pot now inhabits the bottom of the garbage can, awaiting it's demise via the hands of the recycle folks...
Is that what happens when things die in my life? Do they sit and await recycling?
One thing I'm becoming more and more familiar with in this death sequence, is the sheer pain of it. Whether it's the death of a loved one or the death of a dream or death of an expectation or even death to yourself, your heart simply aches. And responding to this pain by dulling or numbing yourself only gives you a minute breather. The pain will find it's way to the surface. it's just a question of when or how. And when it does come. Wow. The sheer extreme of it.
Me? If you know me, you know I'm the "BRING IT ALL ON!" kinda' girl. Problematic in times like this. Seriously. Who can handle the pain of brokenness all at once?
Jesus cried blood.
And when I'm looking at it, talking with Him about it, I'm pretty close...which is pretty crazy really. I mean, I can't even deal with a little heart and life-break. Yet He dealt with the ultimate blow:
Separation from His Father.
Maybe that's why my pain's so poignent. I feel like we're separated. No matter how much I cry or scream or yell (and there's been plenty of it!), I feel like He's not there. I am thankful for the pain. I keep saying thank You for it. It helps me to understand Jesus a little more...to be like Him in His suffering (phil3)...to be intimate in those moments of understanding the slightest, most miniscule taste of what it was like for Him right before the cross. One thing that irks me about the whole thing is this: Jesus knew what to do. He knew He had to die and knew how to do it. I mean HE REALLY HAD THE MIND OF CHRIST. Me? I'm lost. Still trying to live out of the mind. Unsure of what next step to take. All the while I'm wanting my life to matter one moment while ready to simply go home and be with Him in the next. I find myself volleying prayers of: "Lord, just take me HOME" to "Ok. If I'm staying here, what do I do? I have to live a life of consequence..."
I recently went to a counselor friend for a session...thought I should get a few lessons on living OUTSIDE the desert. She had a bunch of good stuff to say, amidst the kids jumping on my back with sticky fingers from eating waffles. SIDENOTE: Seriously, I'm such a fan of my friends that have kids and can carry on deep conversations while a child screams of abuse at a brother bonking him on the head...SIDENOTE OVER. She said a lot of good stuff. I definitely recommend a counselor when you think you're going crazy. Oh. And if you think you're going crazy, you probably are not. Crazy people don't think they're crazy. So if you've never thought you're crazy, well....
One thing she said was I don't listen to my own voice. more on this later.
She also gave me 6 cd's of Charles Stanley's sermons on Brokenness. Turning the cd on in my car the next day, I heard that ol' southern preacher voice, reminiscent of driving to Chicago with my dad listening to his sermons as a wee little one. We'd always get to stop at Fannie May Candies when we went to Chicago...and I'd always get the little pink, peppermint meltaways. that was pre-chocolate addiction. Also, the peppermint meltaways were 1 of 2 things in the price range my dad would give us when we went into the store...we'd eat these and look across Lake Michigan with all it's smells...then we'd jump in the car and while fighting traffic on the Dan Ryan Expressway, Dad would flip on a cassette tape of Charles...
I turned on the cd my friend gave me and immediately smelled something a little minty and a little muddy. Meanwhile, as he preached I realized, Stanley must have really good spies on his payroll. I mean, he was preaching directly from the pages of my journal. Punk. I don't need anymore conviction. I'm already semi-pro status at condemnation. maybe I should start by working on that huh? That whole, "There is therefore no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus" bit...I realized that conviction wasn't the end goal. As He spoke intimately to my heart, I realized I'm not alone in this. Whether they want to name it or not, everyone hits broken status.
It was a beautiful moment when Stanley named the space I inhabit: Brokenness. Somehow giving it a name helped me realize it too would have an end someday. I thought I was just slowly going crazy. (Some of you might still think this is the case! After all, I'm the girl that's had a steady prayer of "Lord, please eradicate the pride from my life...take it away never to return." i hear that's as bad as praying for patience.) But besides the naming of this space, he said this: "You may feel in your soul and emotions and spirit that He's not there. but you must know in your mind that He is, in fact, present in the midst of this." This confuses me. I understand the feeling of "where are YOU?!?" I have it almost every day, if not every moment of every day. I keep thinking of that cheesy poem that every mother had on a bookmark when I was a kid, "Footprints". Remember it? Something about footprints in the sand...and when we don't see footprints in the sand it's because He's carrying us. Bugger that. Not only do I not see footprints, but I don't feel Him carrying me either. Jesus really did have God abandon Him (some of you theologians might debate on this, but let me have a moment.). And here I am griping about the seeming lack of Him...so I keep saying a Thomas prayer of "I believe, help me beleive." And recetly, I've been able to go even farther, as I really do believe He's there...even though I can't see or feel Him Present or at work. And it's in those moments of believing He's there but not doing anything that I get mad. But anger is for another time...
After I realize He's there, sometimes I make myself realize (Actually, I think it's the Spirit in me) that it's all hinged on that whole love thing...
I was sitting the other night at my sister's...talking on the phone with pops. He said I needed to understand that God loves me no matter what...I remembered a friend of mine that fasted for 40 days. When I asked him what he learned from that time, he said, "Annetta, if I do nothing else in my life, He will still love me." My first reaction to him was, "That's it? 40 days without food and you're toting the punchline of a Billy Graham sermon?!? Dude. That sucks." But then, well, I realize, as always, that my first reaction is usually the shallow one. If I will just sit and think a minute, I'll realize my friend was saying way more than just John 3:16. Or was he? Really? All I have to do for the rest of my life is sit in His love? He'll still love me? Ok, ok. Those that are about to jump on soap boxes of obediance and needing to serve in His Kingdom; Those screaming something about works accompanying faith, well, BREATHE. I think he was right. If I do nothing else in my life, Jesus will still love me. The Father will still be on my team. His Spirit will still inhabit me. I will be healed. If I never teach another Bible study or lead worship...if I never have another conversation about Him, well, He will still love me. Plain and simple. He loves me. i don't have to do anthing. nothing. Nada. Zip. It's very difficult for me not to DO...I'm a doer. You evangelicals would say, I tend more towards Martha than Mary.
Wrap up? I want to go HOME to Him. But since He says stay, I should sit in His love.
He's got it under control far more than I ever would.
I just wish the recycle center would come take that ugly ol' pot...I'm ready for a new one.
Much love y'all...
Annetta
P.S. If you can't tell, my mind sits in Ecclesiastes a lot these days...go figure. And, I've spent a whole lotta' time with my Grandmother recently. She felt the need to delve into our whole family history so I'd never forget where I came from. A beautiful gift, to be sure. But a little melancholy as ghosts come out of closets and get a rightful hearing.
Monday, September 1, 2008
Sunday, August 24, 2008
AHHH!!
Do you ever feel like your world is crazy?!?
Picture an OCD energetic introvert travelling in a van with her whole family...
Maybe it's not just a feeling...
Picture an OCD energetic introvert travelling in a van with her whole family...
Maybe it's not just a feeling...
Sunday, August 17, 2008
scottish-country-preppers...
catch this...sis is getting hitched next weekend in 1000 Islands NY...he's wearing a kilt. there's square dancing at the reception. the whole shindig's at the Antique Boat Museum in Clayton...seriously. what a mix....
should be nuts!
should be nuts!
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
The Calling is Higher Than Ourselves
Since 1989, 2.5 million people have been killed in Southern Sudan while just over 5 Million Sudanese people have been displaced. A modern-day holocaust, a genocide ignored, people are just now starting to pay attention and DO something about the horrific attrocities in Southern Sudan.
Recently, a dear friend of mine published a life-changing novel, The Calling. A work 4 years in the making, The Calling changed my heart and perspective in the war for the souls of the Sudanese people. Prior to reading the book, I cared about the crazy things that were happening, but didn't really see my American self as able to initiate any changes. I also didn't understand what the conflict was all about. But because of the intoxicating pen of Elizabeth Hankins, I have not only become more aware of the story of these beautiful plum-black people, but I now have an understanding of my responsibility and ability in fighting for them.
One thing I can do is tell you about them. Endorsed by such names as Brian McClaren and Amnesty International, The Calling is an easy, addicting read that sucks you in from the moment you open the cover. Just a warning, but I had 2 late nights, lotsa' tears and much laughter in the consumption of it.
So...Buy it! Read it! Tell your friends about it!
One last thing. ALL proceeds of the book, outside of the cost to make the book, go directly to Aid Sudan, Living Water International and Amnesty International.
Happy Reading!
Recently, a dear friend of mine published a life-changing novel, The Calling. A work 4 years in the making, The Calling changed my heart and perspective in the war for the souls of the Sudanese people. Prior to reading the book, I cared about the crazy things that were happening, but didn't really see my American self as able to initiate any changes. I also didn't understand what the conflict was all about. But because of the intoxicating pen of Elizabeth Hankins, I have not only become more aware of the story of these beautiful plum-black people, but I now have an understanding of my responsibility and ability in fighting for them.
One thing I can do is tell you about them. Endorsed by such names as Brian McClaren and Amnesty International, The Calling is an easy, addicting read that sucks you in from the moment you open the cover. Just a warning, but I had 2 late nights, lotsa' tears and much laughter in the consumption of it.
So...Buy it! Read it! Tell your friends about it!
One last thing. ALL proceeds of the book, outside of the cost to make the book, go directly to Aid Sudan, Living Water International and Amnesty International.
Happy Reading!
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Fishing
When you go fishing on a boat, you occasionally float over deep, dark places of a lake. If you peer closely over the side of the boat, you can see shadows lazily darting about..while you can't make out what the shadow is, the movement catches your eye...where I am right now, in this boat, I can see Him darting about under the surface...unlike the lazidaisical darting of the fish, His movement is full of grace. While I can't see what shape or form He's in, I know He's there under the surface. At any moment, I expect Him to emerge out of the shadows, bearing all my dreams into the light. I don't know how or why I know this with all my heart, but my heart finds it's hope in this and this alone. I believe there is so much stirring under the surface of the deep place...I can almost see Him at work...He is coming. I can see the ripples coming...and then will come the tsunami of His glorious working out of my salvation and His Story for this world with all of His grace and love pouring out....and according to His glorious riches....what a beautiful place to sit this morning...contemplating His great love.
I tell you all this because it is such a gift to me to be able to see it...and I believe my testifying in advance of what He is doing...acknowledging the faith walk I am on, brings Him greater glory...e.g., as He accomplishes this work in me, You are able to clearly see His working as He has foretold it to my heart.
Also, in the midst of this, my heart is fallible...anytime you care to pray for me, I ask 3 things: 1. That my prayer of "I believe...Help me believe!" is answered in the affirmative, 2. for clarity of the next step (although when He's moving it's impossible to miss it if you're trying in the least! and that 3. He comes through like a powerful force, stirring the foundations of the world to move and manifest these dreams of the deep places...
much love y'all...
A
I tell you all this because it is such a gift to me to be able to see it...and I believe my testifying in advance of what He is doing...acknowledging the faith walk I am on, brings Him greater glory...e.g., as He accomplishes this work in me, You are able to clearly see His working as He has foretold it to my heart.
Also, in the midst of this, my heart is fallible...anytime you care to pray for me, I ask 3 things: 1. That my prayer of "I believe...Help me believe!" is answered in the affirmative, 2. for clarity of the next step (although when He's moving it's impossible to miss it if you're trying in the least! and that 3. He comes through like a powerful force, stirring the foundations of the world to move and manifest these dreams of the deep places...
much love y'all...
A
Sunday, July 27, 2008
The Promise Land is not Health-n-Wealth
the desert. i've spent some time there. and i think most believers have spent some time there at some point in their lives.
what is curious to me is that you don't REALLY need to spend much time there if you're obedient. think about the Israelites...they only spent SO MUCH time there because they were disobedient and God disciplined them.
if then, the desert is a discipline, then why do we seem to place so much value on it? i submit, we value it because it is an icon of His grace in our lives...even though we mess up, He allows us to try again via the desert...
i also submit, fellowship with Him in the desert is sweet for the most part. but wouldn't fellowship in the Promised Land be just as sweet if we walked in with the same set of values and understanding of Him as we do in those intensely hard places?
ok, ok. i get it. most of us (i'm the chief of this!) aren't really clear minded the first time around. when everything's going well and "right"..i ofttimes don't have a real high 'get it' factor the first time around. but....
i have noticed, that when i've spent a lot of time with Him...when i'm riding really high on the face-to-face train, well, i'm a 'there's no time like the present to make the right decision with the right attitude' kinda' girl. i seem to really jones on these times too. it's like i can make a decision, almost any decision, and i make the automatic right decision. no question in my spirit, no hesitation. just goin' for the gold.
so what am i saying?
well. i can avoid the desert. i can bypass it altogether. i simply need to ask His Spirit to hold me on that narrow road in the times of plenty...we can follow Him just as intimately in the Promised Land...the hard part of intimate following in the Promised Land is desperate need for Him is less poignant. there's less of a gap between our perceived need and His Presence...we feel we've got things together so it's easier to rely on ourselves.
let's walk on out of the desert...let's let Him show the world how He blesses His children that are obedient...how He shows favor to those who walk in His ways...let's ask for eyes that notices the major discrepancy between our status and His Provision...and stay in the rhythm of His grace in the meanwhile....
let me know what you think!
p.s. this is SO not a health-n-wealth Gospel idea...it's simply a thought i've had for a while about His favor for those who follow hard after Him...and even as i say all of this, i look at the lives of some close to me and note that their Promised Lands of favor do not look advantageous to the world. yet interacting with His placement of me as a grace-filled place is what makes it appear the Promised Land to others...am i making sense?!?
p.s.2. note that i highly value the desert for the moments of "becoming like Him in His suffering"...sometimes our desert times are less discipline and more honing and testing...praise Him for His gracious refinement!
what is curious to me is that you don't REALLY need to spend much time there if you're obedient. think about the Israelites...they only spent SO MUCH time there because they were disobedient and God disciplined them.
if then, the desert is a discipline, then why do we seem to place so much value on it? i submit, we value it because it is an icon of His grace in our lives...even though we mess up, He allows us to try again via the desert...
i also submit, fellowship with Him in the desert is sweet for the most part. but wouldn't fellowship in the Promised Land be just as sweet if we walked in with the same set of values and understanding of Him as we do in those intensely hard places?
ok, ok. i get it. most of us (i'm the chief of this!) aren't really clear minded the first time around. when everything's going well and "right"..i ofttimes don't have a real high 'get it' factor the first time around. but....
i have noticed, that when i've spent a lot of time with Him...when i'm riding really high on the face-to-face train, well, i'm a 'there's no time like the present to make the right decision with the right attitude' kinda' girl. i seem to really jones on these times too. it's like i can make a decision, almost any decision, and i make the automatic right decision. no question in my spirit, no hesitation. just goin' for the gold.
so what am i saying?
well. i can avoid the desert. i can bypass it altogether. i simply need to ask His Spirit to hold me on that narrow road in the times of plenty...we can follow Him just as intimately in the Promised Land...the hard part of intimate following in the Promised Land is desperate need for Him is less poignant. there's less of a gap between our perceived need and His Presence...we feel we've got things together so it's easier to rely on ourselves.
let's walk on out of the desert...let's let Him show the world how He blesses His children that are obedient...how He shows favor to those who walk in His ways...let's ask for eyes that notices the major discrepancy between our status and His Provision...and stay in the rhythm of His grace in the meanwhile....
let me know what you think!
p.s. this is SO not a health-n-wealth Gospel idea...it's simply a thought i've had for a while about His favor for those who follow hard after Him...and even as i say all of this, i look at the lives of some close to me and note that their Promised Lands of favor do not look advantageous to the world. yet interacting with His placement of me as a grace-filled place is what makes it appear the Promised Land to others...am i making sense?!?
p.s.2. note that i highly value the desert for the moments of "becoming like Him in His suffering"...sometimes our desert times are less discipline and more honing and testing...praise Him for His gracious refinement!
Friday, July 11, 2008
morning of joy!
looking back...i can see so many things i'd change. and so many things that i'd keep.
this year, i'm so thankful for a broken engagement...healing heart...renewed vision...His increased Presence...conviction...hard times...tears...laughter...heartache...faith-moves...falling on my face...hard moments....beautiful moments...no job...crazy job...scraping by...being taken care of...feeling like an adult...being treated like a child...understanding of what's happening 'neath the surface...coming back to Him...hearing Him...loving Him..being loved by Him.
we sow in tears...i'm still waiting for the crop to come in. but i believe it's coming. there's-a-somethin' stirring 'neath the surface and it's HIM! i'm so desiring His morning to dawn with the shouts of joy He promises...i'm still unsure what that looks like though...my personal plumbline seems to have shifted...
you know, Frodo (hobbit from Lord of the Rings), when asking how he was to return to Rivendell after his wild adventures, was told, "you can't ever go back to who you were. you're different now." this is how i feel...after the pain of this year, the way He stretched me and eradicated some pet sins, i don't think i can ever go back to who i was. i pray i DON'T ever go back to who i was. i want to be better. always, each day, better. because each day finds me more and more in His image.
what's stirring? only He knows for sure. but one thing i DO know: it's GOOD. as He is GOOD, it's GOOD.
beautiful huh?
this year, i'm so thankful for a broken engagement...healing heart...renewed vision...His increased Presence...conviction...hard times...tears...laughter...heartache...faith-moves...falling on my face...hard moments....beautiful moments...no job...crazy job...scraping by...being taken care of...feeling like an adult...being treated like a child...understanding of what's happening 'neath the surface...coming back to Him...hearing Him...loving Him..being loved by Him.
we sow in tears...i'm still waiting for the crop to come in. but i believe it's coming. there's-a-somethin' stirring 'neath the surface and it's HIM! i'm so desiring His morning to dawn with the shouts of joy He promises...i'm still unsure what that looks like though...my personal plumbline seems to have shifted...
you know, Frodo (hobbit from Lord of the Rings), when asking how he was to return to Rivendell after his wild adventures, was told, "you can't ever go back to who you were. you're different now." this is how i feel...after the pain of this year, the way He stretched me and eradicated some pet sins, i don't think i can ever go back to who i was. i pray i DON'T ever go back to who i was. i want to be better. always, each day, better. because each day finds me more and more in His image.
what's stirring? only He knows for sure. but one thing i DO know: it's GOOD. as He is GOOD, it's GOOD.
beautiful huh?
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