Lately I've been meditating and talking with the Father about how to simply BE and speak this being into existence. Sound crazy? It is a little. In this process, I've been learning a whole lotta' basic truths. I've heard these truths for a long time. But they're now being manifested in my life. It is OUT OF CONTROL AMAZING.
1ST. Have you heard that saying, "be the person you want to marry?" Recently I've started a little trial period of really, sincerely, focusing my eyes on my weaknesses. I've been asking friends where I need work, meditating a lot in the wisdom of the Proverbs, and re-accessing old relationships where I failed. Meanwhile, the distractions of current potential (and occasionally actual) relationships have taken a back seat. They've become the thing I daily place on the alter and leave with Him to take care of. In short, I find myself working on being the best me, and offering up the variable to Him.
2ND. My heart aches. A lot. Mainly for three reasons...
ONE: Life isn't perfect. I get told no a lot. A lot of dreams have crashed and burned. I ache to be WITH Him. A lot of times I just long to go HOME.
TWO AND THREE: There are two things I want to do more than anything else in life: love a man with all my heart and lead worship for His body. While I occasionally get glimpses of the man-to-come, he's just as far away as he's ever been (or at least my physical eyes see it that way). In the same vein of thought, I am blessed with countless opportunities to lead at different churches. But getting to be plugged in at one church, really building into people's lives and seeing growth in worship, well, this isn't a current reality. While there are a lotta' pots cooking in the works, well, it's not actuality. The result is, that I ache for these dreams to be manifested in the current reality. I wholeheartedly believe He is moving, putting pieces in place for a position perfect for me. With all that's within me, I believe He's leading a man to find, pursue and passionately love me. Even as these two eyeballs don't see it, my spiritual eyes are being lead by the Spirit to see and believe He is bringing them to pass.
3RD. As my heart aches, I'm learning to bring Him my pain. So often, when I feel pain, I KNOW He could do something in a split second to make that pain go away. More often than not, He leaves that pain to ache. So often I hold onto that pain, shielding it from Him. I don't want to let Him into those intimate spots that hurt. After all, He's the one that either caused it to hurt, or allows it to continue to hurt, or BOTH! So I raise one hand and voice to worship Him, He IS SO WORTHY. But then I use the other hand to shield my heart and self from His vision and embrace...as if I could hide anything from Him! I've started giving Him my pain. When I ache, I come and say, "Ok Father. You know how much I love You with all of my heart. I SO SO SO want to please You. Today my heart hurts Daddy. It hurts with the desire of the dreams I believe You've planted there. Would you take that pain today? Or just walk with me in the middle of it?" I'm learning the FELLOWSHIP of His sufferings.
4TH. I hate the cliche "bloom where you're planted," but it seems to be my banner these days. Here I am, not having accomplished many of the things I desire to accomplish, believing so many of His promises for me, leading worship and waiting tables. He's teaching me how to love waiting tables just as much as I love leading worship....er, well, He's teaching me how to have as much JOY in waiting tables as I have when I lead worship. The joy of leading worship is natural and spontaneous: I was created to lead worship. The joy of waiting tables is a choice, a practice: like Brother Lawrence, learning to practice His Presence in every moment!
5TH. I'm learning to love well. Talking with a dear friend a month ago, she mentioned that she tries to show more appreciation and respect to the people closer to her. I had a tendency to take dear friends for granted, I mean, once a friend always a friend right? Making new friends easily and travelling as much as I have lately, it seems that I was spending my time and energies fostering new friendships rather than sowing into old ones. I've started to flip-flop my approach, spending my time and energies primarily in finding ways to show love to those closest to me. It has been phenomenal to watch how so many deep relationships have blossomed again. And we've gotten closer...this is a huge joy.
SO..These are a few of the things He's so kind to teach me these days. I'm so grateful. Hope this encourages to you run the race harder...He is SO worthy...and His intimate Presence is more than I could ever desire.
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2 comments:
I am grateful you are finding the peace of God which passes all understanding and lines the path to joy...I love you sister!
Thank you for writing this. I am touched and encouraged. I was actually thinking of you tonight as I am struggling to see, hear, understand, do in this season. I was wondering about how you have walked through your own season of not seeing what God's doing and not knowing where to be. I commend you for your heart, honesty, faithfulness, struggle. I have no doubt you will continue to come through and come out stronger with so much richness to share and impart. You are a rich gift and blessing!
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