my first week back, i was stopping for a few nights in dallas. hanging out one night with a crew of folks...all from various parts of my past. amazing to see each of them as they all hold amazing stories of God's goodness in my life...and they posed this question to me. i struggled with words...not really sure how to answer that. still in a little bit of process mode.
that night, i was the life of the party. and not because i WAS the life of the party, but because i felt like i HAD to be. it had been part of the 'pre-Estes' identity of annetta. and now, here i was, acting the part. it was expected. and i am pretty stinkin' funny when i need to be...or so i tell myself. that night, i was 'on'...and you know what? it was really annoying. by the end of the evening, it was if i was walking in culture shock. i was in a massive crowd of people, hanging with these wonderful friends, and my soul craved silence. i was ready to jump out of my skin at the chance to leave.
i become morose,
introverted, painfully so.
weird for me huh?
but it's true. i've become something of an introvert, and part of me doesn't know what to do with that. it's been a long time coming...this whole seclusion thing. i needed it. it's funny, i really get Paul's words in 2 corinthians 5:13, "For if we are beside ourselves, it is for God; if we are of sound mind, it is for you." when i am with Him, i AM beside myself...and when i'm with others, it's as if He has to draw me back to reality in order to interact.
but you know what? more than anything? i miss Him tonight. i miss His really close, 'closer-than-anyone-else-in-the-world' Presence that estes taught me. it was as if, as i stepped out into that beautiful world outside my door, nature screamed of Him. my heart learned the heartbeat of that scream. and just joined right along with the rest of creation. for a month i was given a glorious place of simply joining in with the song of His praise. i learned His rhythm...or was starting to learn the very beginning of it. the groans of creation...waiting for Him. i know any moments of ache right now have only to do with distance from my Father. SO: "how was it? what did i learn in estes?"
He trully is enough.
for anything. for everything. for the smallest things. for the biggest things. for the mundane. for the grand. for the in-between.
i look at these black words i'm typing and can't help but think they seem so empty. so rigid. so simple. and it is. simple. yet it's also terribly complex. in black and white it seems so empty, plain. normal. but it was the farthest thing from that...it was glorious. and beautiful and life altering. and supernatural. and vibrant. and colorful. and heart-rendering. and joyful. and awe-full. and
no words.
now only tears.
oh my God, how i miss Thee! return to me in all Your fullness...withdraw not from my heart...i can't make it. Lord, i'm not being dramatic. no over-emotionalizing here. only raw truth, from a raw heart. a heart yearning for THE Truth. i can't live life like i did before...with Your Presence only 'some' of the time...with sensing You are there only first thing in the morning...and random moments...i need that constant communion. i'm rubbish without it. nothing Lord. at moments i'm as frantic as David, "cast me not from Your Presence o Lord!"
Father, even these words seem empty as they are clinging to One so much greater.
simply said, i have tasted and you are better. i am ruined for anything, anyone but You.
return my Lord. i cannot live a moment...haste my Lord! i yearn.
You are so beautiful.
