hey all!
i know i've been a little random in my postings as of late...if you want to subscribe to my blog, where you don't have to keep checking and rechecking, send your email address to me at: annettabox@gmail.com i'll include you on this little notifier thing...OR simply enter your email address in the subscription box to your right...not sure if that worx, but we'll find out eh?
thanks for keepin up with it...
a
Saturday, May 19, 2007
Friday, May 18, 2007
what did i learn in estes?
"how was it? what'd you learn"
my first week back, i was stopping for a few nights in dallas. hanging out one night with a crew of folks...all from various parts of my past. amazing to see each of them as they all hold amazing stories of God's goodness in my life...and they posed this question to me. i struggled with words...not really sure how to answer that. still in a little bit of process mode.
that night, i was the life of the party. and not because i WAS the life of the party, but because i felt like i HAD to be. it had been part of the 'pre-Estes' identity of annetta. and now, here i was, acting the part. it was expected. and i am pretty stinkin' funny when i need to be...or so i tell myself. that night, i was 'on'...and you know what? it was really annoying. by the end of the evening, it was if i was walking in culture shock. i was in a massive crowd of people, hanging with these wonderful friends, and my soul craved silence. i was ready to jump out of my skin at the chance to leave.
i become morose,
introverted, painfully so.
weird for me huh?
but it's true. i've become something of an introvert, and part of me doesn't know what to do with that. it's been a long time coming...this whole seclusion thing. i needed it. it's funny, i really get Paul's words in 2 corinthians 5:13, "For if we are beside ourselves, it is for God; if we are of sound mind, it is for you." when i am with Him, i AM beside myself...and when i'm with others, it's as if He has to draw me back to reality in order to interact.
my first week back, i was stopping for a few nights in dallas. hanging out one night with a crew of folks...all from various parts of my past. amazing to see each of them as they all hold amazing stories of God's goodness in my life...and they posed this question to me. i struggled with words...not really sure how to answer that. still in a little bit of process mode.
that night, i was the life of the party. and not because i WAS the life of the party, but because i felt like i HAD to be. it had been part of the 'pre-Estes' identity of annetta. and now, here i was, acting the part. it was expected. and i am pretty stinkin' funny when i need to be...or so i tell myself. that night, i was 'on'...and you know what? it was really annoying. by the end of the evening, it was if i was walking in culture shock. i was in a massive crowd of people, hanging with these wonderful friends, and my soul craved silence. i was ready to jump out of my skin at the chance to leave.
i become morose,
introverted, painfully so.
weird for me huh?
but it's true. i've become something of an introvert, and part of me doesn't know what to do with that. it's been a long time coming...this whole seclusion thing. i needed it. it's funny, i really get Paul's words in 2 corinthians 5:13, "For if we are beside ourselves, it is for God; if we are of sound mind, it is for you." when i am with Him, i AM beside myself...and when i'm with others, it's as if He has to draw me back to reality in order to interact.
but you know what? more than anything? i miss Him tonight. i miss His really close, 'closer-than-anyone-else-in-the-world' Presence that estes taught me. it was as if, as i stepped out into that beautiful world outside my door, nature screamed of Him. my heart learned the heartbeat of that scream. and just joined right along with the rest of creation. for a month i was given a glorious place of simply joining in with the song of His praise. i learned His rhythm...or was starting to learn the very beginning of it. the groans of creation...waiting for Him. i know any moments of ache right now have only to do with distance from my Father. SO: "how was it? what did i learn in estes?"
He trully is enough.
for anything. for everything. for the smallest things. for the biggest things. for the mundane. for the grand. for the in-between.
i look at these black words i'm typing and can't help but think they seem so empty. so rigid. so simple. and it is. simple. yet it's also terribly complex. in black and white it seems so empty, plain. normal. but it was the farthest thing from that...it was glorious. and beautiful and life altering. and supernatural. and vibrant. and colorful. and heart-rendering. and joyful. and awe-full. and
no words.
now only tears.
oh my God, how i miss Thee! return to me in all Your fullness...withdraw not from my heart...i can't make it. Lord, i'm not being dramatic. no over-emotionalizing here. only raw truth, from a raw heart. a heart yearning for THE Truth. i can't live life like i did before...with Your Presence only 'some' of the time...with sensing You are there only first thing in the morning...and random moments...i need that constant communion. i'm rubbish without it. nothing Lord. at moments i'm as frantic as David, "cast me not from Your Presence o Lord!"
Father, even these words seem empty as they are clinging to One so much greater.
simply said, i have tasted and you are better. i am ruined for anything, anyone but You.
return my Lord. i cannot live a moment...haste my Lord! i yearn.
You are so beautiful.
Wednesday, May 9, 2007
desert travels
'i won't leave the desert unless You go with me!'
i can just hear Moses sayin' this too...heart beating super-sonic speed...palms sweaty...after all, he was talking to the GOD OF THE UNIVERSE. making demands of God. a little bit of a scary place to be if you ask me!
but i do make demands. big demands. and much the same demands as Moses.
a while back, at Rocky Mountain Church, pastor Jess spoke on prayer...making demands of God. my first thought was the story in Luke of the poor woman to the mean, ol' ruler. she begged and begged and begged him for something until he relented. i can just hear his speech in modern day,
"woman! you're drivin' me crazy! take whatever you want...only LEAVE ME BE!"
but this isn't really where i generally fall in my beggin prayers with the Lord. i'm not always on the up-n-up when i beg for something...it's generally something that i momentarily believe i can't live without. but it's odd how hindsight always leave me thinking, 'what was i thinking?!?!'
so i was thinking about this Moses prayer of 'don't let me leave without YOU!'.
i've been praying that same prayer for several years now. but i'm starting to think that my prayer has GOT to be altered...
1st off, it's not about Him following me...it's about me following Him. now don't get me wrong, all these years i think my motives have attempted to be right. whether they are right or not remains to be seen...
but my whole perspective is changing...instead of saying,
"go with me! these dreams won't leave me alone, and i'm not leaving without You! i'm stompin my foot down in a good ol' tantrum!"
funny, that prayer of Moses...i turned it upside down in my head. for me, leaving the desert is about fulfilling long-awaited dreams.
and He wants me to fulfill these dreams as much as i do. i think the dreams are my agenda. in reality, it is He that is my agenda. nothing else. yet, He has originated these dreams to fulfill His purpose for me in this life. it's funny that i make this demand as if He's not gonna' be there. i can so see Him laughing at me. here i am, so stressed out about Him going with me. when all the time, His Presence was never the question.
mine was.
a few weeks ago, God simply said 'stop.'
"Annetta, if you're following Me, then I'll be with you. the desires in your heart...you think they're from you. actually, they're My desires for you. follow me. My will will be fulfilled through you."
i'm now saying,
"i get it. You're head-over-heels for me. these dreams are as much (if not more) Your concern than they are mine. so....where are You going? You do know that i'm head-over-heels for You too don't You? that means, wherever You go, well, i go. Your way."
and i think He's saying back..."follow My heartbeat."
so i am. pursuing all of Him that i know. listening so close. loving Him more dearly every day.
the Great Romance is mine.
and i am His.
i'm stoppin' the stressin'.
i'm simply following.
i think i'm leavin' the desert.
and my heart is taken.
i can just hear Moses sayin' this too...heart beating super-sonic speed...palms sweaty...after all, he was talking to the GOD OF THE UNIVERSE. making demands of God. a little bit of a scary place to be if you ask me!
but i do make demands. big demands. and much the same demands as Moses.
a while back, at Rocky Mountain Church, pastor Jess spoke on prayer...making demands of God. my first thought was the story in Luke of the poor woman to the mean, ol' ruler. she begged and begged and begged him for something until he relented. i can just hear his speech in modern day,
"woman! you're drivin' me crazy! take whatever you want...only LEAVE ME BE!"
but this isn't really where i generally fall in my beggin prayers with the Lord. i'm not always on the up-n-up when i beg for something...it's generally something that i momentarily believe i can't live without. but it's odd how hindsight always leave me thinking, 'what was i thinking?!?!'
so i was thinking about this Moses prayer of 'don't let me leave without YOU!'.
i've been praying that same prayer for several years now. but i'm starting to think that my prayer has GOT to be altered...
1st off, it's not about Him following me...it's about me following Him. now don't get me wrong, all these years i think my motives have attempted to be right. whether they are right or not remains to be seen...
but my whole perspective is changing...instead of saying,
"go with me! these dreams won't leave me alone, and i'm not leaving without You! i'm stompin my foot down in a good ol' tantrum!"
funny, that prayer of Moses...i turned it upside down in my head. for me, leaving the desert is about fulfilling long-awaited dreams.
and He wants me to fulfill these dreams as much as i do. i think the dreams are my agenda. in reality, it is He that is my agenda. nothing else. yet, He has originated these dreams to fulfill His purpose for me in this life. it's funny that i make this demand as if He's not gonna' be there. i can so see Him laughing at me. here i am, so stressed out about Him going with me. when all the time, His Presence was never the question.
mine was.
a few weeks ago, God simply said 'stop.'
"Annetta, if you're following Me, then I'll be with you. the desires in your heart...you think they're from you. actually, they're My desires for you. follow me. My will will be fulfilled through you."
i'm now saying,
"i get it. You're head-over-heels for me. these dreams are as much (if not more) Your concern than they are mine. so....where are You going? You do know that i'm head-over-heels for You too don't You? that means, wherever You go, well, i go. Your way."
and i think He's saying back..."follow My heartbeat."
so i am. pursuing all of Him that i know. listening so close. loving Him more dearly every day.
the Great Romance is mine.
and i am His.
i'm stoppin' the stressin'.
i'm simply following.
i think i'm leavin' the desert.
and my heart is taken.
Tuesday, May 1, 2007
grey brilliance
it's raining today.
my last day in Estes Park. and there's a steady drizzle outside....
so. i took a walk around the lake. and i am, once again, blown away with the view of His creation...as the mountains peek in and out of clouds, it dawned on me.
grey.
we live in a world of grey. We live all our lives among shadows and broken things.
this is a bit funny to me...grey has been my favorite color for a while now. i'm offtimes afraid to admit it for fear of being labeled morbid or lackluster. but all the same, grey it is.
why grey?
and how, you ask, can i look at these majestic mountains and say, "grey"? i mean, they're fantastically beautiful. they're winsome in their calling us to worship. am i not really appreciating them for their true beauty?
i see them as grey because i'm comparing them to their eternal reality.
think about it:
heaven = Technicolor
thus, we're grey.
looking at the recent events in Virginia, it's easy to label this a big, bad world. some of you might even say that the world is BLACK. but even amidst the pain and strife and and dark, there is a hint of redemption present.
sorrows are mourned.
pain endured.
lives strengthened. all in view of the cross.
the cross is our connection to eternity.
please don't think i'm making light of the recent events. rather, i'm broken for them and for us and for our world. but even as i look at the world and want to label it all 'bad', i realize that it is bad. it is evil. but it is also in the midst of a battle of good and evil. their is white, purity present. the lives of the saints are the light of the world. but as the world is full of dark and light souls....the mottled result is: grey.
our hope is....
as eternity echoes in today, the grey starts to glow....it's as if it picks up little traces of what is to come, and the grey of today becomes brilliant.
yes. it's still grey.
but there's a brilliance...a touch of the eternal in the present.
live life seeing the brilliance of grey in the everyday.
my last day in Estes Park. and there's a steady drizzle outside....
so. i took a walk around the lake. and i am, once again, blown away with the view of His creation...as the mountains peek in and out of clouds, it dawned on me.
grey.
we live in a world of grey. We live all our lives among shadows and broken things.
this is a bit funny to me...grey has been my favorite color for a while now. i'm offtimes afraid to admit it for fear of being labeled morbid or lackluster. but all the same, grey it is.
why grey?
and how, you ask, can i look at these majestic mountains and say, "grey"? i mean, they're fantastically beautiful. they're winsome in their calling us to worship. am i not really appreciating them for their true beauty?
i see them as grey because i'm comparing them to their eternal reality.
think about it:
heaven = Technicolor
thus, we're grey.
looking at the recent events in Virginia, it's easy to label this a big, bad world. some of you might even say that the world is BLACK. but even amidst the pain and strife and and dark, there is a hint of redemption present.
sorrows are mourned.
pain endured.
lives strengthened. all in view of the cross.
the cross is our connection to eternity.
please don't think i'm making light of the recent events. rather, i'm broken for them and for us and for our world. but even as i look at the world and want to label it all 'bad', i realize that it is bad. it is evil. but it is also in the midst of a battle of good and evil. their is white, purity present. the lives of the saints are the light of the world. but as the world is full of dark and light souls....the mottled result is: grey.
our hope is....
as eternity echoes in today, the grey starts to glow....it's as if it picks up little traces of what is to come, and the grey of today becomes brilliant.
yes. it's still grey.
but there's a brilliance...a touch of the eternal in the present.
live life seeing the brilliance of grey in the everyday.
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