For weeks now I’ve been trying to decide what to write y’all...should I tell you of my latest adventures working with mentally handicapped women? Like when I was the only thing keeping a woman from jumping onto train tracks in front of a moving train? Or should I tell you of our latest tutorial performances? Where I sang BV’s for a Muse song, dressing barefoot in all black, head banging and with disonant harmonies? Do I reminisce on all the fun people I’m meeting? I.e., Finding I know the ex-boyfriend of a random new friend who I met while I was in London several years ago? Or the afternoon I had today, in a sewing store making neon-pink bloomers for costumes for Christmas Spectacular? Or the bi-polar weather, going from spring to summer to fall to spring to ???? Or the walk from Bondi Beach to Coogee Beach, more stunning than anything I could imagine? Or getting prophesied over in class? Or the million and one amazing chapels I attend 3 times a week? Or the phenomenal worship experiences in one of the 3 choirs I’m in weekly? Or the killer class on the Holy Spirit, teaching me soo much on The One Who Speaks The Words of The Father? Hmmm...
**WARNING** This is a rather lengthy one, so grab a cuppa’ joe or skip ahead! I want to hear YOUR thoughts!
SAY MY NAME - I’M A SURVIVOR - PART I
DEEP MAGIC - PART II
INDIANA JONES? - PART III
PRAYER
SAY MY NAME
I LOVE Destiny’s Child. Wow. Confession is out there! My secret guilty pleasure is a secret no more! Whew! I have their song “Say My Name” rolling around in my head this morning. It reminds me of my name, Annetta. Ok ok. I know that sounds simple but track with me. I was praying the other day and added “favor” to the list. It’s not an abnormal prayer for me. But somehow in the praying, it made me stop. Why should I pray for favor? What makes ME so special that He’d give ME favor? I mean, if He’s giving me something doesn’t it mean someone else does NOT get it? Why me? And to be honest, there was no answer for several days. There was no Voice from Heaven saying I was the chosen one and no dove descending upon when my shoulder when I got out of my morning showers. But then on a run the other morning, it popped up again. And I started thinking, favor...hmmm..it’s REALLY just grace in disguise. Grace is undeserved favor. Grace, grace....Annetta means “full of grace.” Wow. So all this time I’m praying for favor, I’m actually FULL of undeserved favor? I mean, to be honest, everyone in Christ is full of grace, maybe I just needed a little extra reminder of what’s inside me.
Sometimes I think there is more for us than what we get in this life. Hold with me, this may take a minute of tracking...I think my sin, the mar of sin in this world and the evil one seek to keep me from what He has in store for me. I think there are so many riches untold in His storehouse for me, should I just choose to grab onto them. I think for many of us, we don’t always get all the greatness and goodness He has in store simply because we don’t FIGHT for it. We don’t fight the evil one to release the things that are ours that He has given us. All we’d have to do is CLAIM them as ours, because they’ve already been allocated to us! Christ has already given them to us, yet we allow the evil one to hold them in captivity. We allow him to lord them over us, showing us what we don’t “have” yet what our hearts want. I’m not necessarily talking about riches and honor and fame here, although I think that’s sometimes included. I’m talking about peace + a future + hope + a place + position + calling. I get it that this world is no longer the avatar-like Eden it was pre-Eve’s apple noshing. I see the pain and hurt all around. I can almost see the scar sin made as it ripped open the heart of the earth. And because of this, all the ugly hurting things in the world run rampant. But that’s where I’m putting my foot down. I’m tired of saying “it’s a fallen world” when Christ came to RESTORE that fallen world. I’m tired of saying my life is as it is when He came to make this life MORE THAN glorious. I’m tired of hardening my heart to the stories of sex + child trafficking. I’m ready to fight back. I’m fighting back. I’m fighting back for what’s MINE. I’m fighting back for what’s YOURS. No longer will I be robbed of my future or favor or position or peace or joy simply because the evil one wants to hold it out or because I am unwilling to claim it from His storehouses. I’m cleaning out my storehouse in heaven and using what I find to claim this world back. With everything that’s within me, I’m taking hold of that which was given me so that I can fight for others who can’t fight for what was given them.
Don’t hear me wrong, thinking I’m a bristley girl, fighting for my rights. I’m not the kid screaming and clutching onto things not mine, jealous of others and using them as a head up. Nope. I’m content with what He’s ordered for me. But I want ALL of what He’s ordered for me. So I’m pursuing the things of God in the heavenlies today. I’m pressing in to have all the Divinity really living and speaking in this heart. I’m in a fighting mood kids, full of undeserved favor, fighting to get every last drop of that favor while I am here. Say my name!
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Spoiled Holy
Here's a little message I sent out to all the "Texan In Oz" followers...enjoy!
I’m sitting in the middle of an Australian freeway, steam billowing from my car’s engine, cars honking behind me. It’s 6:30 am and rush hour traffic in Oz has already picked up with stop-n-go traffic and 2 hour commutes that should take 40 minutes. Needless to say, I’m starting to feel a little stressed.
The rest of a moment was a bit of a blur, with the car breaking down SEVERAL more times on the way to it’s current resting place. There are 3 conversations I vividly remember, one where I was asked if I was from Texas, Australia (IS there such a place?!)...a 2 word conversation with a McDonald’s attendant: Handing him 2 large bottles I said “Car.” He responded “Water” empathetically and proceeded to fill them for me...and then there were the well-intentioned city trash guys:
Garbage man Bob was a bulbous-nosed fella with a rotten tooth grin. His complexion and waistline told tales of his nightly binges at the local pub.
Bob: “What’s wrong here? You’re in the way.”
Me: “Oh no! I just bought this car and don’t even have the registration papers yet!”
Bob: (pointing to small fluid tank) “Lookee here. There’s no water in your radiator cooler. Absolutely none. It’s your engine. You’re buggered.”
Me: “Um, isn’t that the windshield wiper sign on that tank? I think the water tank is here, and I filled it earlier.”
Bob: “Harumph. Gary! Come look at this lady’s car. It’s buggered.”
Gary, fidgeted a ton, obviously a little nervous at speaking to a girl, much less one with an accent! He poked in the engine a bit and told me to "Take it 1k down the road. Tell them the trash guys sent you. They’ll take care of you.”
As it turns out the local trash men have a good rep at the petrol/mechanic station.
Other than those conversations, there was a running dialogue with God that was ever-present, “Please oh please oh please help me. My dad isn’t here...You’re my dad now. Please oh please oh please help me.”
And of course, I called my earthly daddy from my cell phone and started crying as soon as I heard his voice say, "Hey babe, what's going on?"
Now, hours later, I look back at this moment and have 2 thoughts: 1. Would I have gotten outta’ bed this morning had I known all the craziness that was about to transpire? 2. I am spoiled.
I am spoiled. No seriously. Spoiled. OK, so I don’t stomp my pretty little Dolce & Gabanna encased foot every time I pass a designer store...And I don’t demand steak or even salmon every night. But, God takes care of me in every little detail I could dream of! From a job to housing to a car to school to the intricacies of the dreams He’s laid on my heart, He is fighting on my behalf. And sometimes I can’t see Him because He is in the fields fighting for me (like the angel that had to wage war with the Prince of Persia before he got to Daniel). When I walked into chapel and worship was blaring today, I just had to worship and weep, knowing that He took upon Himself the role of my dad today. He stood and made sure every detail was taken care of for my safety and care today. He will even have the fella who sold me the car fix it...I’m believing! He is involved in the big things in my life and in the little details, like helping me remember my large water bottles so I have something with which to fill my radiator tanks!
I guess I send this email, so quickly on top of my epistle yesterday to say:
Wherever you are today. He is there.
Don’t give up. He hasn’t abandoned you. He’s just fighting your battles that you can’t see.
Love YOU!
I’m sitting in the middle of an Australian freeway, steam billowing from my car’s engine, cars honking behind me. It’s 6:30 am and rush hour traffic in Oz has already picked up with stop-n-go traffic and 2 hour commutes that should take 40 minutes. Needless to say, I’m starting to feel a little stressed.
The rest of a moment was a bit of a blur, with the car breaking down SEVERAL more times on the way to it’s current resting place. There are 3 conversations I vividly remember, one where I was asked if I was from Texas, Australia (IS there such a place?!)...a 2 word conversation with a McDonald’s attendant: Handing him 2 large bottles I said “Car.” He responded “Water” empathetically and proceeded to fill them for me...and then there were the well-intentioned city trash guys:
Garbage man Bob was a bulbous-nosed fella with a rotten tooth grin. His complexion and waistline told tales of his nightly binges at the local pub.
Bob: “What’s wrong here? You’re in the way.”
Me: “Oh no! I just bought this car and don’t even have the registration papers yet!”
Bob: (pointing to small fluid tank) “Lookee here. There’s no water in your radiator cooler. Absolutely none. It’s your engine. You’re buggered.”
Me: “Um, isn’t that the windshield wiper sign on that tank? I think the water tank is here, and I filled it earlier.”
Bob: “Harumph. Gary! Come look at this lady’s car. It’s buggered.”
Gary, fidgeted a ton, obviously a little nervous at speaking to a girl, much less one with an accent! He poked in the engine a bit and told me to "Take it 1k down the road. Tell them the trash guys sent you. They’ll take care of you.”
As it turns out the local trash men have a good rep at the petrol/mechanic station.
Other than those conversations, there was a running dialogue with God that was ever-present, “Please oh please oh please help me. My dad isn’t here...You’re my dad now. Please oh please oh please help me.”
And of course, I called my earthly daddy from my cell phone and started crying as soon as I heard his voice say, "Hey babe, what's going on?"
Now, hours later, I look back at this moment and have 2 thoughts: 1. Would I have gotten outta’ bed this morning had I known all the craziness that was about to transpire? 2. I am spoiled.
I am spoiled. No seriously. Spoiled. OK, so I don’t stomp my pretty little Dolce & Gabanna encased foot every time I pass a designer store...And I don’t demand steak or even salmon every night. But, God takes care of me in every little detail I could dream of! From a job to housing to a car to school to the intricacies of the dreams He’s laid on my heart, He is fighting on my behalf. And sometimes I can’t see Him because He is in the fields fighting for me (like the angel that had to wage war with the Prince of Persia before he got to Daniel). When I walked into chapel and worship was blaring today, I just had to worship and weep, knowing that He took upon Himself the role of my dad today. He stood and made sure every detail was taken care of for my safety and care today. He will even have the fella who sold me the car fix it...I’m believing! He is involved in the big things in my life and in the little details, like helping me remember my large water bottles so I have something with which to fill my radiator tanks!
I guess I send this email, so quickly on top of my epistle yesterday to say:
Wherever you are today. He is there.
Don’t give up. He hasn’t abandoned you. He’s just fighting your battles that you can’t see.
Love YOU!
Monday, June 7, 2010
23/52 There's No Half-Singing In The Shower, You're Either A Rock Star Or An Opera Diva
23/52 There's No Half-Singing In The Shower, You're Either A Rock Star Or An Opera Diva
Originally uploaded by Ciel Photography.
Friday, January 15, 2010
Birthright
It's like coming to know Christ again...for the first time. Tonight I was struck with a drop of the feeling He had...the sorrow He had over sin. Yea, not even a drop of His feeling...He knew so much more agony than I'll ever begin to know. When I slightly tell a mis-truth...or spew anger in subtle ways...or whine about my lot...all rubbish next to The Glorious One. We, I, make sin out to be this big list of do's and don't's. Really, it's a life. It's a lifestyle. It's so much less about the doing, and so much more about the heart. The DOING isn't the issue. It's the heart.
I KNOW all this. I've said it a million times before. I've heard it preached a million more. Yet there are occasions when I see the veracity of it as plain as the yellow paint on the walls of my bedroom. The veil is lifted, even if for only a moment.
One of those moments was tonight. I went and saw the movie Avatar. Don't think this is a plug to go see the movie...but somehow He had my heart in just the right spot as I walked into that theater. Watchin these humans grow from the hardheaded, killing machines to green tree huggers....it was so much more. They saw that the balance of life isn't about ONE person's happiness. It isn't about one person or country's agenda. The balance of life requires us to walk in His ways. If we are believers, we are tree huggers.
I feel like I can't type this quick enough. I can't get it out quick enough...the veil is lowering.
I once read Pereleandra; I felt the same way. In Avatar, in Pereleandra, we see Eden before the fall. The rightness of it all is breathtaking, more than magnificent. The look and feel and rhythm of the world before the fall...it was God-ordered. It was a RIGHTEOUS earth. Yet just that ONE SEED of that apple...I can see it falling from Eve's fingers...hitting the ground and spreading like a stain, a wildfire across the earth, leaving us with ashes. And dead.
How does one, born to live in Eden, live in the aftermath of destruction? I suppose today we could ask our brothers and sisters in Haiti. They, more than any others on earth perhaps, know what a poignant aftermath is like. Maybe our Rwandan brothers and sisters or the Sudanese, those beautiful plum-black people, luminous-glowing-in-the-sun people, maybe they could speak of rising in the aftermath. While we are not created to dwell in such conditions, it remains our birth right to be the people of that glorious world. While trees no longer speak to each other as perhaps they once did...and the animals no longer live in harmony...we must live as if they are but asleep, to be awakened and brought to life again at His coming, where the Lion dwells with the Lamb.
So tonight, as I drove home from the theater, I wept. I wept for my dirty little, nobody sin. I wept for the sin of you. I wept for the sin of our fathers. And I wept for the sin to come. For until He comes and wipes us clean once again, that stain remains. And we must fight every day to keep it at bay, to live out of our birthright.
Maybe you could call me a crackpot. But somehow in the midst of all this, I see the light. Tonight, I am out of Plato's cave and looking at the Person next to The Fire itself. Tomorrow I might be back in the cave. But for tonight, I weep for us. And I rejoice, that all will not be forever.
Oh Glorious Father, The StoryMaker. The Beginner of Life. How Kind and Compassionate You are to have Mercy and shower Grace on such as we. Dead, living in a destructive world, You Speak The Life into us. Breathe New Life Father, as never before, Breathe Life into dead souls Father. Bring many to know You...Your Ways. Open eyes to see. Oh that the dead may become alive.
I love You as never before. With all my heart.
I KNOW all this. I've said it a million times before. I've heard it preached a million more. Yet there are occasions when I see the veracity of it as plain as the yellow paint on the walls of my bedroom. The veil is lifted, even if for only a moment.
One of those moments was tonight. I went and saw the movie Avatar. Don't think this is a plug to go see the movie...but somehow He had my heart in just the right spot as I walked into that theater. Watchin these humans grow from the hardheaded, killing machines to green tree huggers....it was so much more. They saw that the balance of life isn't about ONE person's happiness. It isn't about one person or country's agenda. The balance of life requires us to walk in His ways. If we are believers, we are tree huggers.
I feel like I can't type this quick enough. I can't get it out quick enough...the veil is lowering.
I once read Pereleandra; I felt the same way. In Avatar, in Pereleandra, we see Eden before the fall. The rightness of it all is breathtaking, more than magnificent. The look and feel and rhythm of the world before the fall...it was God-ordered. It was a RIGHTEOUS earth. Yet just that ONE SEED of that apple...I can see it falling from Eve's fingers...hitting the ground and spreading like a stain, a wildfire across the earth, leaving us with ashes. And dead.
How does one, born to live in Eden, live in the aftermath of destruction? I suppose today we could ask our brothers and sisters in Haiti. They, more than any others on earth perhaps, know what a poignant aftermath is like. Maybe our Rwandan brothers and sisters or the Sudanese, those beautiful plum-black people, luminous-glowing-in-the-sun people, maybe they could speak of rising in the aftermath. While we are not created to dwell in such conditions, it remains our birth right to be the people of that glorious world. While trees no longer speak to each other as perhaps they once did...and the animals no longer live in harmony...we must live as if they are but asleep, to be awakened and brought to life again at His coming, where the Lion dwells with the Lamb.
So tonight, as I drove home from the theater, I wept. I wept for my dirty little, nobody sin. I wept for the sin of you. I wept for the sin of our fathers. And I wept for the sin to come. For until He comes and wipes us clean once again, that stain remains. And we must fight every day to keep it at bay, to live out of our birthright.
Maybe you could call me a crackpot. But somehow in the midst of all this, I see the light. Tonight, I am out of Plato's cave and looking at the Person next to The Fire itself. Tomorrow I might be back in the cave. But for tonight, I weep for us. And I rejoice, that all will not be forever.
Oh Glorious Father, The StoryMaker. The Beginner of Life. How Kind and Compassionate You are to have Mercy and shower Grace on such as we. Dead, living in a destructive world, You Speak The Life into us. Breathe New Life Father, as never before, Breathe Life into dead souls Father. Bring many to know You...Your Ways. Open eyes to see. Oh that the dead may become alive.
I love You as never before. With all my heart.
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Emo Eating versus a Patch Adams moment
Sometimes I get angry at God. Like, mean-case-of-the-reds from Breakfast at Tiffany's angry. I am frustrated with how life has turned out. Or I am angry at a relationship taking more time. Or I am angry that He doesn't seem to hear me. Most often, I am agry when I feel like He's not on my side...like I'm alone, like He's not for me.
When I'm in the throes of this mean-case-of-the-reds I have a tendency to eat. I mean, if I'm gonna feel crappy about life, I should do SOMETHING that feels good. Eating is a feel-good activity for me. Running is a feel-good activity for me too. That's a good combination. It's kept me from being 300 lbs.
No matter the weight level, emo eating is bad.
If I sit and think about it, I realize I need one of those Patch Adams moments. You know the one I'm talking about..it's one of the only 3 scenes you remember from the movie. I mean, who can forget the building size legs outside the doors at the gyno convention? And who can forget Robin Williams running around with a clown nose, making bald cancer kids laugh? And then there's that sweet moment with the butterfly on the cliff...Patch is screaming horrific threats at God.
Then a butterfly comes.
Somehow this puny little butterfly is supposed to make all that anger go away. Butterflies don't work for me. And screaming just makes me lose my voice.
But somehow that screaming and then the peace that comes with the butterfly, well, they're all part of the process. With the eternal-optimist personality that I am, the dislike of conflict, the desire to make others happy, well, I tend to live in a state of happy-go-lucky, it'll-all-work-out-in-the-end verbage. But the problem with that is, well, it doesn't always work out. In fact, it RARELY works out the way we want it to. While our direction, our story in life, requires some doing, some making-it-happen on OUR parts, well, it also requires some shifting-circumstances-to-make-it-possible on God's part. Our very breath requires He allows us to breathe. Our movement and the writing of our story in His story definitely requires movement on His part. THAT is what makes me angry...when I have a deep need for Him to come through...and then it seems He doesn't.
Even as I write all this, I think what an ungrateful wretch I am in those moments. I mean, I have a wonderful place to stay, fantastic friends, a phenomenal family, and there are even opportunities opening up in the area I feel called. BUT, the anger isn't over these things. The anger comes because opportunities to work out of my created purpose aren't actualized. They are simply possibilities without solid depth behind them. I am unsure of their outcome because He hasn't shown me anything to be sure OF. All to say...
I was angry with God tonight. Frustrated. But these feelings were quickly followed by gratefulness at the place I am now....the reminder to be present in THIS moment...to GROW where I'm planted. While I might not be able to BLOOM here as it's not permanent, I CAN grow. And as I watch Him work in this moment today, well, it's pretty cool to see how He takes His time to do things perfectly right. He doesn't waste a moment...nor does He rush. While I want it now, it's better later.
So I'm waiting. No longer angry and somehow I avoided that emo eating for 6 hours. I might go get a snack.
When I'm in the throes of this mean-case-of-the-reds I have a tendency to eat. I mean, if I'm gonna feel crappy about life, I should do SOMETHING that feels good. Eating is a feel-good activity for me. Running is a feel-good activity for me too. That's a good combination. It's kept me from being 300 lbs.
No matter the weight level, emo eating is bad.
If I sit and think about it, I realize I need one of those Patch Adams moments. You know the one I'm talking about..it's one of the only 3 scenes you remember from the movie. I mean, who can forget the building size legs outside the doors at the gyno convention? And who can forget Robin Williams running around with a clown nose, making bald cancer kids laugh? And then there's that sweet moment with the butterfly on the cliff...Patch is screaming horrific threats at God.
Then a butterfly comes.
Somehow this puny little butterfly is supposed to make all that anger go away. Butterflies don't work for me. And screaming just makes me lose my voice.
But somehow that screaming and then the peace that comes with the butterfly, well, they're all part of the process. With the eternal-optimist personality that I am, the dislike of conflict, the desire to make others happy, well, I tend to live in a state of happy-go-lucky, it'll-all-work-out-in-the-end verbage. But the problem with that is, well, it doesn't always work out. In fact, it RARELY works out the way we want it to. While our direction, our story in life, requires some doing, some making-it-happen on OUR parts, well, it also requires some shifting-circumstances-to-make-it-possible on God's part. Our very breath requires He allows us to breathe. Our movement and the writing of our story in His story definitely requires movement on His part. THAT is what makes me angry...when I have a deep need for Him to come through...and then it seems He doesn't.
Even as I write all this, I think what an ungrateful wretch I am in those moments. I mean, I have a wonderful place to stay, fantastic friends, a phenomenal family, and there are even opportunities opening up in the area I feel called. BUT, the anger isn't over these things. The anger comes because opportunities to work out of my created purpose aren't actualized. They are simply possibilities without solid depth behind them. I am unsure of their outcome because He hasn't shown me anything to be sure OF. All to say...
I was angry with God tonight. Frustrated. But these feelings were quickly followed by gratefulness at the place I am now....the reminder to be present in THIS moment...to GROW where I'm planted. While I might not be able to BLOOM here as it's not permanent, I CAN grow. And as I watch Him work in this moment today, well, it's pretty cool to see how He takes His time to do things perfectly right. He doesn't waste a moment...nor does He rush. While I want it now, it's better later.
So I'm waiting. No longer angry and somehow I avoided that emo eating for 6 hours. I might go get a snack.
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Christianity 101 Reincarnate: Walking His Way Revamped
Lately I've been meditating and talking with the Father about how to simply BE and speak this being into existence. Sound crazy? It is a little. In this process, I've been learning a whole lotta' basic truths. I've heard these truths for a long time. But they're now being manifested in my life. It is OUT OF CONTROL AMAZING.
1ST. Have you heard that saying, "be the person you want to marry?" Recently I've started a little trial period of really, sincerely, focusing my eyes on my weaknesses. I've been asking friends where I need work, meditating a lot in the wisdom of the Proverbs, and re-accessing old relationships where I failed. Meanwhile, the distractions of current potential (and occasionally actual) relationships have taken a back seat. They've become the thing I daily place on the alter and leave with Him to take care of. In short, I find myself working on being the best me, and offering up the variable to Him.
2ND. My heart aches. A lot. Mainly for three reasons...
ONE: Life isn't perfect. I get told no a lot. A lot of dreams have crashed and burned. I ache to be WITH Him. A lot of times I just long to go HOME.
TWO AND THREE: There are two things I want to do more than anything else in life: love a man with all my heart and lead worship for His body. While I occasionally get glimpses of the man-to-come, he's just as far away as he's ever been (or at least my physical eyes see it that way). In the same vein of thought, I am blessed with countless opportunities to lead at different churches. But getting to be plugged in at one church, really building into people's lives and seeing growth in worship, well, this isn't a current reality. While there are a lotta' pots cooking in the works, well, it's not actuality. The result is, that I ache for these dreams to be manifested in the current reality. I wholeheartedly believe He is moving, putting pieces in place for a position perfect for me. With all that's within me, I believe He's leading a man to find, pursue and passionately love me. Even as these two eyeballs don't see it, my spiritual eyes are being lead by the Spirit to see and believe He is bringing them to pass.
3RD. As my heart aches, I'm learning to bring Him my pain. So often, when I feel pain, I KNOW He could do something in a split second to make that pain go away. More often than not, He leaves that pain to ache. So often I hold onto that pain, shielding it from Him. I don't want to let Him into those intimate spots that hurt. After all, He's the one that either caused it to hurt, or allows it to continue to hurt, or BOTH! So I raise one hand and voice to worship Him, He IS SO WORTHY. But then I use the other hand to shield my heart and self from His vision and embrace...as if I could hide anything from Him! I've started giving Him my pain. When I ache, I come and say, "Ok Father. You know how much I love You with all of my heart. I SO SO SO want to please You. Today my heart hurts Daddy. It hurts with the desire of the dreams I believe You've planted there. Would you take that pain today? Or just walk with me in the middle of it?" I'm learning the FELLOWSHIP of His sufferings.
4TH. I hate the cliche "bloom where you're planted," but it seems to be my banner these days. Here I am, not having accomplished many of the things I desire to accomplish, believing so many of His promises for me, leading worship and waiting tables. He's teaching me how to love waiting tables just as much as I love leading worship....er, well, He's teaching me how to have as much JOY in waiting tables as I have when I lead worship. The joy of leading worship is natural and spontaneous: I was created to lead worship. The joy of waiting tables is a choice, a practice: like Brother Lawrence, learning to practice His Presence in every moment!
5TH. I'm learning to love well. Talking with a dear friend a month ago, she mentioned that she tries to show more appreciation and respect to the people closer to her. I had a tendency to take dear friends for granted, I mean, once a friend always a friend right? Making new friends easily and travelling as much as I have lately, it seems that I was spending my time and energies fostering new friendships rather than sowing into old ones. I've started to flip-flop my approach, spending my time and energies primarily in finding ways to show love to those closest to me. It has been phenomenal to watch how so many deep relationships have blossomed again. And we've gotten closer...this is a huge joy.
SO..These are a few of the things He's so kind to teach me these days. I'm so grateful. Hope this encourages to you run the race harder...He is SO worthy...and His intimate Presence is more than I could ever desire.
1ST. Have you heard that saying, "be the person you want to marry?" Recently I've started a little trial period of really, sincerely, focusing my eyes on my weaknesses. I've been asking friends where I need work, meditating a lot in the wisdom of the Proverbs, and re-accessing old relationships where I failed. Meanwhile, the distractions of current potential (and occasionally actual) relationships have taken a back seat. They've become the thing I daily place on the alter and leave with Him to take care of. In short, I find myself working on being the best me, and offering up the variable to Him.
2ND. My heart aches. A lot. Mainly for three reasons...
ONE: Life isn't perfect. I get told no a lot. A lot of dreams have crashed and burned. I ache to be WITH Him. A lot of times I just long to go HOME.
TWO AND THREE: There are two things I want to do more than anything else in life: love a man with all my heart and lead worship for His body. While I occasionally get glimpses of the man-to-come, he's just as far away as he's ever been (or at least my physical eyes see it that way). In the same vein of thought, I am blessed with countless opportunities to lead at different churches. But getting to be plugged in at one church, really building into people's lives and seeing growth in worship, well, this isn't a current reality. While there are a lotta' pots cooking in the works, well, it's not actuality. The result is, that I ache for these dreams to be manifested in the current reality. I wholeheartedly believe He is moving, putting pieces in place for a position perfect for me. With all that's within me, I believe He's leading a man to find, pursue and passionately love me. Even as these two eyeballs don't see it, my spiritual eyes are being lead by the Spirit to see and believe He is bringing them to pass.
3RD. As my heart aches, I'm learning to bring Him my pain. So often, when I feel pain, I KNOW He could do something in a split second to make that pain go away. More often than not, He leaves that pain to ache. So often I hold onto that pain, shielding it from Him. I don't want to let Him into those intimate spots that hurt. After all, He's the one that either caused it to hurt, or allows it to continue to hurt, or BOTH! So I raise one hand and voice to worship Him, He IS SO WORTHY. But then I use the other hand to shield my heart and self from His vision and embrace...as if I could hide anything from Him! I've started giving Him my pain. When I ache, I come and say, "Ok Father. You know how much I love You with all of my heart. I SO SO SO want to please You. Today my heart hurts Daddy. It hurts with the desire of the dreams I believe You've planted there. Would you take that pain today? Or just walk with me in the middle of it?" I'm learning the FELLOWSHIP of His sufferings.
4TH. I hate the cliche "bloom where you're planted," but it seems to be my banner these days. Here I am, not having accomplished many of the things I desire to accomplish, believing so many of His promises for me, leading worship and waiting tables. He's teaching me how to love waiting tables just as much as I love leading worship....er, well, He's teaching me how to have as much JOY in waiting tables as I have when I lead worship. The joy of leading worship is natural and spontaneous: I was created to lead worship. The joy of waiting tables is a choice, a practice: like Brother Lawrence, learning to practice His Presence in every moment!
5TH. I'm learning to love well. Talking with a dear friend a month ago, she mentioned that she tries to show more appreciation and respect to the people closer to her. I had a tendency to take dear friends for granted, I mean, once a friend always a friend right? Making new friends easily and travelling as much as I have lately, it seems that I was spending my time and energies fostering new friendships rather than sowing into old ones. I've started to flip-flop my approach, spending my time and energies primarily in finding ways to show love to those closest to me. It has been phenomenal to watch how so many deep relationships have blossomed again. And we've gotten closer...this is a huge joy.
SO..These are a few of the things He's so kind to teach me these days. I'm so grateful. Hope this encourages to you run the race harder...He is SO worthy...and His intimate Presence is more than I could ever desire.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Getting Left in the Grocery Stores of Life
When I was uber young, I can remember going to the local grocery store, begging for just about every sugary thing on the shelves. With 4 (at the time!) of us running around, grocery trips were a little harrowing. Out numbering the 'rents, we had a tendency to wander off, geting lost in the store. I think every kid gets lost or left in a store at some point. I mean, kids are wiggly little buggers. They have a tendency to squirm and wander.
When I'd wandered off, one partiular time, I vividly remember that feeling of aloneness. I was standing next to the spaghetti noodles, tears welling up, anxiously looking for my parents. Sometimes I'd frantically rush through the grocery store looking for them. But this time, I stayed put, "in one place", as my parents had instructed me to do when I was lost. Waiting for them to come find me seemed to take years! In my early years, I'd scream bloody murder, hoping that'd alleviate my fear and draw their attention to my aisle, finding me at last! That particular time, in the spaghetti aisle, there were just tears, no screaming. I was only "lost" for a few minutes. In a little farm town, the grocery store is not that big. But in those few minutes, I felt like the world was a huge horrible place. And I thought my parents had left me, never to return. Funny how quickly I jumped to an abandonment scenario when their behavior with me would have proven anything BUT abandonment!
I thought they left me.
Recently, I thought He'd left me. Naturally, when I don't think He's working, my flesh has a tendency to manipulate and push circumstances to my liking. Sarah & Abraham did that with Hagar and Ishmael, and so the Islamic peoples were born. I can't imagine what world religion could be born out of my own manipulations...let's pray He protects me from that manipulation!!
But, guess what?? In the midst of believing He'd left me, He saved me from myself. And He didn't leave me. Even now, as no cicrcumstances have changed that would say to others that He is here, well, He's been speaking so loudly to my heart, "I DIDN'T LEAVE YOU!"
NO SIRREE!!! He DIDN'T! He's HERE!!!
I am almost beside myself with this revelation. How quickly I turned my thoughts to believing my parents had left me..how much quicker I believed He had left me in the midst of the desert.
I hear Him and I believe Him.
Life looks exactly as it did when there seemed no hope. The only difference is a revived heart. Joy has returned in the midst of the darkness...I am indeed dancing in the dark. And let me tell you, I've got "moves you've never seen!"
So I'm grateful. Renewed faith has been borne, not of my own cynical, questioning heart, but from His firm strong gaze. In the middle of a grocery store I'm reminded, He's here. He's coming for me. He hasn't left me yet.
So I'll continue to play out this holding pattern, moving as He leads, praying for open and closed doors, with my "ears to the rails", listening for His coming.
He's coming my friends!! Oh how He loves me! I glory in this highest honor today...and love Him back with all my heart.
When I'd wandered off, one partiular time, I vividly remember that feeling of aloneness. I was standing next to the spaghetti noodles, tears welling up, anxiously looking for my parents. Sometimes I'd frantically rush through the grocery store looking for them. But this time, I stayed put, "in one place", as my parents had instructed me to do when I was lost. Waiting for them to come find me seemed to take years! In my early years, I'd scream bloody murder, hoping that'd alleviate my fear and draw their attention to my aisle, finding me at last! That particular time, in the spaghetti aisle, there were just tears, no screaming. I was only "lost" for a few minutes. In a little farm town, the grocery store is not that big. But in those few minutes, I felt like the world was a huge horrible place. And I thought my parents had left me, never to return. Funny how quickly I jumped to an abandonment scenario when their behavior with me would have proven anything BUT abandonment!
I thought they left me.
Recently, I thought He'd left me. Naturally, when I don't think He's working, my flesh has a tendency to manipulate and push circumstances to my liking. Sarah & Abraham did that with Hagar and Ishmael, and so the Islamic peoples were born. I can't imagine what world religion could be born out of my own manipulations...let's pray He protects me from that manipulation!!
But, guess what?? In the midst of believing He'd left me, He saved me from myself. And He didn't leave me. Even now, as no cicrcumstances have changed that would say to others that He is here, well, He's been speaking so loudly to my heart, "I DIDN'T LEAVE YOU!"
NO SIRREE!!! He DIDN'T! He's HERE!!!
I am almost beside myself with this revelation. How quickly I turned my thoughts to believing my parents had left me..how much quicker I believed He had left me in the midst of the desert.
I hear Him and I believe Him.
Life looks exactly as it did when there seemed no hope. The only difference is a revived heart. Joy has returned in the midst of the darkness...I am indeed dancing in the dark. And let me tell you, I've got "moves you've never seen!"
So I'm grateful. Renewed faith has been borne, not of my own cynical, questioning heart, but from His firm strong gaze. In the middle of a grocery store I'm reminded, He's here. He's coming for me. He hasn't left me yet.
So I'll continue to play out this holding pattern, moving as He leads, praying for open and closed doors, with my "ears to the rails", listening for His coming.
He's coming my friends!! Oh how He loves me! I glory in this highest honor today...and love Him back with all my heart.
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